Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
