You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
