I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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