Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
