wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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