I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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