hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
