I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
