Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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