my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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