hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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