your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
