Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
