I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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