im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
