I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
