Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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