Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
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And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
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Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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