Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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