I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
