I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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