i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
