took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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