I'm so fucking centered right now
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
