I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
