he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
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I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
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true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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