can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
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A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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