Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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