He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
