Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
is it fun? or sober?
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