you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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