I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
