someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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