The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
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btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
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Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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