went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
