I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
