fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
