I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
