I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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