what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
