Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
