can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
