I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
