Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
