Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
