we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
