Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
