I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
