i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
