Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
