I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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