You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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