If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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