I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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