if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
