peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
