Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
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Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
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I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
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